
Class EI3 RZ, 



PRESENTED Wf 



THE DEDICATIOX; 



OR, 



ON 

THE TRUE MODERN CAESAR. 



BY 

THE SECOND. 



MCTATO NOMINE, DE TE FABULA KARRATBB. 



BALTIMORE. 

PRINTED AND PUBLISHED BY SANDS & NEIL60N, 

S. E. comer of Calvert Sr Market- streets. 

1831. 






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CID HAMET'S PREFATORY APPEAL 

TO IIIS COUNTRYMEN. 



Ye who dare be honest amidst the exaltation of 
the false, and virtuous although you behold the tri- 
umph of vice, who scorn to flatter, to fawn, to cringe, 
to lie, to intrigue, though you daily see the very scum 
of mankind pass by you, surrounded by the ensigns 
of power and attended by the shouts of multitudes, 
— ye whom I am proud to take by the hand, and 
call Brother, Countryman, Friend, — to you I ap- 
peal to lend me a helping hand to the furtherance of 
the great objects of this publicaiion, which are the 
satire and ridicule of Vice and Folly, and the denun- 
ciation of Tyranny, Imbecility, and Treachery in 
the great. 

Read then I pray you, what I have here laboured 
for your benefit ; for, in this Essay on The True Mo- 
dern Ccesarj who is the God whom many of you falsely 
worship, you will see what a poor figure Ignorance 
makes when she comes forth from that obscurity in 
which nature destined her to dwell, and is lifted up 
into places of responsibility and power ; how Folly is 
ridiculous when she attempts to play the Sage under 
the Lion's skin; and how Vice is doubly hateful, when 
clad in gold and worshiped by mankind. 



05 THE MODERK^ C^SAR, 

CHAPTER I. 



-Ridiculum acri 



Fortius et melius niagnas pleiumque secat res. 

Horace. 



According to the opinion, O Caesar of the Moderns, 
of the early English writers whose productions have 
given such lustre to British Literature, supported by 
the authority of the ancients, a book is worth nothing 
that has not a Dedication prefixed to it. Acting up to 
this opinion, — which I find adhered to by Scriblerus, 
Helvetius, Scaliander and several others, all great wri- 
ters of their day and" generation — I have taken it up- 
on myself to dedicate this little book, upon which I 
set some store, to your Excellency, who are, and if 
you are not, ought to be — the greatest man in the view 
of the public at this time. I make this dedication too 
with more pleasure when I reflect that by doing so I 
may in some measure advance my own interests ; for 
it is a truth, which every one in this age must see in- 
to, who has as much as a grain of mustard-seed of 
sense, that a man can lose nothing by courting Pow- 
1* 



cr, and may perchance gain a great deal : while on 
the other hand, should he possess a spirit independent 
enough to search out for meritorious men (who are 
generally in the shade of power, and are to a man so 
at this time) upon whom to confer the honor of a dedi- 
cation, he can calculate to gain nothing thereby, save 
the friendship of one, who though he may desire to ad- 
vance his fortunes as he may wish, yet wants the 
means to do so. Impressed strongly with this thought, 
I have made bold to make this dedication, O Caesar, to 
yourself; and in consideration of having done so, I 
shall expect that immediately upon being presented 
with a copy, you will give orders to every one within 
your controul, whether man, woman, or child, to buy, 
one and all, a copy, at the highest rate at which my 
bookseller will dispose of it — to whom I shall give 
orders to go to the utmost stretch of extortion that is 
practised in his trade. 

In doing this you will do yourself great honour in 
the land, as a Ruler who does not neglect learning and 
the arts. And let me make free to tell you that there 
is nothing which so endears a great Magistrate to hi& 
peo])le, as the encouragement he affords to authors, and 
men of learning and genius in every branch ; and that 
in the same degree that he endears himself to his peo- 
ple in this way, does he shed lustre upon his name and 
splendour upon his office. For what is there, may I 
make so bold as to demand, for which Emperors, 
Kings and Chief Magistrates, all the world over, have 
received more honour and glory than this. If the past 



can at all afford light to one who has received so much 
of it from nature as yourself, it must force upon your 
sense the truth I am striving to impress. Need I tell 
you, who are so learned a man, and such a Maecenas 
to genius, that the Emperor Augustus Caesar, excep- 
tionable as he was in many particulars, was the great 
friend and munificent patron of learning and the arts, 
in his time ; and that owing to this in a great measure, 
he has been handed down to posterity as one of the 
most brilliant of rulers: — his reign, it is known to us 
all, was styled by the ancient Romans the Golden or 
Augustan age. Another instance, of a ruler who shed 
lustre upon his reign by this same munificence to ge- 
nius and taste, was Adrian, whose life is a beautiful 
commentary upon the ways of Power. O Adrian, 
thou wert indeed munificence itself! who else but thou 
could have added new splendour to an empire already 
so magnificent, thou favorite of Apollo and beloved of 
the blue -eyed Minerva! There are innumerable in- 
stances that might be adduced to the surer evidence of 
this truth, — and among others, that of Louis the Grand, 
of France, and Henry the 8th, of England, with 
Queen Anne of ever blessed memory, and others who 
drew around their thrones all the learning, taste and 
genius, their several ages produced, — (a strong con- 
trast to Cromwell, who gathered about him only the 
scum of his country, as we are told) — was it not as- 
sented to by the whole world, and above all others, 
known to your Excellency, so as to preclude the ne- 
cessity of further confirmation. 



8 

Since,'therefore, O Caesar, it has been your fortune 
to be set up as a ruler over the many, and as a ruler 
too, over the most flourishing nation known to the mo- 
derns, I pray that you will not get drunk upon your 
good fortune, but use the goods the Gods have given 
you, as I have intimated, and as becomes a man whose 
life, like that of the chevalier Bayard's, has been sans 
peur et sans reproche. This, then, I would have you 
do: Issue immediately a message of the following 
character — somewhat of a Mandate Royal — some- 
what of a Bull Clerical — somewhat of a Message Pre- 
sidential. 

(god save the republic) 

To the United States of Jlmerica^ and all whom it 

may concern : — 

Being strongly impressed with the truth that the 
greatest glory a ruler can derive from his high station, 
is in the encouragement he affords to men of genius and 
merit ; and being desirous to render my name immor- 
tal by this means, not for that reason that actuates 
more or less the aspiring portion of mankind, of seem- 
ing to be the thing they are 7iot^ it hath pleased me, the 
Chief Magistrate of my country, to issue to my well- 
beloved and trusty subjects, after the manner of the 
Monarchs of Europe — those paragons of Princes — 
this Decretal, or Letter Mandatory, commanding : — 
That all those who hold office under me, to wit : 
all the heads of Departments, with the inferior officers 
and scribes under them ; all Envoys Extraordinary 
and Ministers Plenipotentiary, Charges-d'Affaires, 



9 

Secretaries of Legation and Attaches; all Secret 
Agents and Spies; all Consuls; all Collectors of tax. 
es, imposts, duties and excise, — in one word, of the 
revenue ; all Judges, Supreme and Inferior, Attornies, 
Marshals, Bailiffs, and all other officers of Justice in 
the National Courts ; all Postmasters, Mail-Contrac- 
tors, Letter-Carriers, Mail-stage Drivers, and all 
others of this class ; all poor Soldiers and shattered 
Sailors, with all Pensioners and Hangers-on about the 
government, of whatsoever sort or description, not 
before enumerated ; all Newspaper Editors, with the 
host of Letter- Writers, whom I pay out of the secret 
fund, and those whom I do not pay ; — in one word, 
all Placemen, from the highest to the lowest, and I 
may here include the crowd of expectants for place, 
(no mean few) with all who Avish to be regarded in at 
all a favourable light during my rule — partizans et hoc 

genus omne; That all these purchase a copy of 

Cid Hamet Benengeli's Book, for themselves, as well 
as their kinsfolk and acquaintance, under pain of be- 
ing deprived of the places they hold, or not obtaining 
those they may have set their hearts upon, and being 
otherwise disgraced and punished. And if there be 
any one who shall be rash enough to exercise any dis- 
cretion of his own about this matter, or hold any opin- 
ion contrary to that which I have expressed about 
learning and the arts — By the Chief Magistrate of 
the United Ststes, by the several Heads of Depart- 
ments, by the Senate and House of Representatives, 
by the Supreme Court, by the Twenty-four Sove- 



10 

reign States, and their Twenty-four Sovereign Legis- 
latures — I swear I will — and may I be d d in all 

respects more thoroughly than was Obadiah by Doc- 
tor Slop, if I do not — immediately dismiss him, as 
well as all his children and relatives, from favour — 
drive them out from me with fire and sword, forever. 
Caesar, Magistratus Maximus, 
Amcricanx Rcipubliccd. 
Anno Libertatis, 56. 

This being done, O Caesar, you will shew yourself 
in a light to your country, in which but few who have 
wielded the rod of empire, — and those the most im- 
mortal — have ever had the glory to be exhibited; and 
hence I am bold in urging you to a course which must 
render your rule as illustrious as any of the Caesars. 

Dedications, may it please your Excellency, I am 
aware, have of late years grown greatly into disre- 
pute; insomuch so, that there is' scarcely a man of 
any merit, who would desire to see his name placed 
at the head of a work: and for this reason, that there 
ure so many foolish and ignorant men who take it in- 
to their heads to write books, and to besmear those 
to whom they dedicate them, with so much fulsome, 
distorted and gross praise, — giving them credit for 
every excellency under the sun, and indeed for more 
excellencies than there are under the sun, that a dedi- 
cation has long since come to be regarded as a com- 
pilation, in which the writer has selected from a vo- 
cabulary all words whose meaning borders at all upon 
excellence of any sort, and placed them to the name 



11 

of the Dedicatee without rhyme or reason. I have 
presumed however to make this dedication to your 
Excellency, in the hope therehy, that a practice so 
useful and praiseworthy, of sending volumes into this 
world, like children, under the auspices of those who 
are able to protect them, may not be entirely disused, 
and in the end become altogether unknown. Perhaps 
so illustrious a name as yours, appearing in such a 
shape to the world, may revive this somewhat anti- 
quated custom. Indeed, it is more than probable, that 
your example will become contagious ; for it is a 
truth that mankind have ever followed the footsteps of 
power, no matter into what uncertain or crooked 
paths they lead. An illustrious name, as the world 
has often witnessed, gives consequence even to tri- 
fles, as witness the speculations that are so frequent- 
ly entered upon in our own country, as to the pre- 
cise manner in which you, O Caesar, smoke your 
pipe after breakfast, and the description of Tobacco 
you use, whether the Kite-foot, the Pig-tail, the James 
River, or the Yookahookateachy. And further to 
convince your Excellency, how contagious is the ex- 
ample of the Illustrissimi^ and in particular of your- 
self, I have only to communicate this further fact, that 
since your Excellency has come into power, the pro- 
ceeds of all the Tobacco-shops in the country, have 
increased in geometrical progression every year from 
that time. Relating this fact, puts me in mind of an- 
other, which is, that King James, that most wise and 
unequalled Prince of England, was as remarkable for 



his hatred against this weed, as it seems your Excel- 
lency is in your love for it. Is it not wonderful that 
two such great Rulers should derive celebrity from 
the same source! — you intoxicated with its fumes, 
praise it as the gift of the Gods : he, preferring the 
exhiliration of another growth, grows inspired in his 
denunciations of it! 

After these reflections and facts, your excellency 
will, I am sure, yield to the justness of my judgment 
upon this matter, and bestow upon me that just modi- 
cum of praise and reward, which it has ever been your 
course to pursue towards those who have in any-wise 
merited it. This I feel assured you will do, O Caesar, 
when I reflect that it is a principle upon which you ad- 
minister power, to have a sole regard to Merit, no 
matter in what shape it presents itself to you ; since, 
as is manifest in various instances, you have refused to 
take away any thing, from tried, useful and meritori- 
ous servants, even to bestow it upon a political friend 
or parti zan. And let me here say that there is noth- 
ing which has so much endeared you to the nation as 
this. Not all the glory that your name has won either 
as the first Captain of the age, or the last Solomon of 
the world, have given to your character a greater lus- 
tre than this. In this you are most truly a just ruler: 
— and what perfection is there that sits with more 
beauty on the brow of power, than that of justice. — 
Not even mercy itself — divine and god-like Mercy — 
that other attribute of your character, for which you 
have so justly been raised to the skies — is more to be 
admired. 



13 

But I fear that I am digressing much too widely in 
this dedication, in which, it is my opinion, I should ad- 
here solely to setting forth your virtues and illustrious 
qualities ; for such I helieve has been the province of 
dedications heretofore. I therefore crave your High- 
ness's pardon for not doing that full justice to your 
worth that I should ; and to repair my fault as effectu- 
ally as possible, I make haste to bespatter these pages 
with that just panegyrism which the world holds to be 
your due, if we may be allowed to infer thus much 
from the shouts with which your elevation to your 
present exalted station was hailed by so vast a mass of 
your countrymen : — and what is more too, this mass 
composed, not only of that portion of society capable 
of appreciating excellence, but, (as if you had the 
power of commanding the very scum of mankind to 
do for once what is good) of the foolish, the ignorant, 
the prejudiced, the knavish, the desperate, the de- 
bauched, the profligate, the false — of pimps, sharp- 
ers, bullies, spendthrifts, gamesters, parasites, buf- 
foons — in one word, of all that portion of society 
who destroy the purity of elections, and, as it notun- 
frequently happens, prostrate under their feet the lib- 
erty and order of States. 

But let us progress. You are, O Csesar, a hero, 
or, what is the same thing, the world has been pleas- 
ed to bestow upon you this epithet ; for one of your 
sagac ity must know that he whom the world takes 
it into its head to designate as valiant, wise and 
good, as our Washington truly was, and some few, ve- 



u 

ry few others that I could name, (whose excellence, 
however, could not shield them from the vile calum- 
nies of a degenerate race — a race often capable of be- 
ing devils, though seldom saints) is as much worship- 
ped as if he were such in reality; although at the 
same time he may be the veriest simpleton, the most 
absolutely incomprehensible and unsophisticated ass 
— the most weak-minded citizen, that could be pick- 
ed out of our whole population of some thirteen or 
fourteen millions of .souls, white and black. It is a 
common saying, and like most other common sayings, 
false as possible, that name is nothing ; but let me tell 
you, with all deference to this generally accredited 
saying, that there is a great deal in name. It is in fact, 
every thing to some men, as must be manifest to your- 
self, who should know this truth, as well as all others; 
and therefore, I say, call a man a hero, and it is to all 
ends, the same as if he w ere in truth one : just in the 
same way, that to give a dog a bad name, as to call him 
mad, is the same thing to him as if he were really so; 
for the fact is taken upon credit by mankind, who forth- 
with, without investigation or parley of any sort about 
the matter, pursue him with guns, cudgels, swords, 
stones, and such like destructive implements, and soon 
put him to death. Then, Caesar, you are a hero; and in 
that one word there is enough, — (for it hath the proper- 
ties of magic,) — to raise you to an almost immeasurable 
distance above the rest of mankind. This is to you fame, 
fortune, house, lands, in fact, whatever you may de- 
sire, or those who have your ear may desire for you or 



15 

for themselves. Why you are such, for what glorious 
achievements, like those of Alexander, Caesar, Hanni- 
bal, Bonaparte, or Marlborough, I do not choose to 
particularize here, for it is not the province of a dedica- 
tion to give any reason for what is asserted; at least, I 
have not been able to meet with any, among all those I 
have looked into, that assumed to do this. 

And now, may it please your highness, I feel as if I 
were entering somewhat into the spirit of my dedica- 
tion, and before the month's out and the moon wanes, 
I am confident I shall have set forth the many great 
and glorious characteristics that are justly yours. 

Were I called upon to say what are the qualities for 
which a Chief Magistrate over thirteen and a half mil- 
lions of people— the freest of any in the known world 
and by far the most thriving, — should be chosen, I 
would answer after this fashion. I would first set 
forth what such an one ought not to be, and in the se- 
cond place, by deduction, ex necessitate, what such an 
one ought to be. 

Under the first head then I should answer, that 
such an one should not have all the simplicity of a 
child ; for although this sort of simplicity may be re- 
garded as a commendable trait in the character of a 
private individual to the extent that it renders him in- 
offensive and harmless ; yet it sits awkward in public, 
and especially in a ruler, who is beset at every turn be 
takes by difficulties of every hue and dye. If by sim- 
plicity of a child, we were to understand sincerity of 
character, it would be another thing ; for there is no- 



16 

thing that so elevates the character, and gives to it 
such grace and dignity as sincerity. In the same de- 
gree that dissimulation is despicable in the eyes of all 
honest and just men, is sincerity, its opposite, esteem- 
ed a high virtue? But certainly, simplicity of a child 
is not sincerity, but rather ignorance, as is manifest 
from what I am going to say ; which is, that were you 
to take up the poker with which you stir your fire, 
and say, " I wonder what this is !" or, " what a very 
strange and wonderful thing — I wonder what it can 
be intended for!'' or any other such like remark, in- 
dicating your ignorance of what so every day thing as 
a poker was used for, I should call this wonderful 
simplicity of a child in you. And this is what I un- 
derstand by simplicity of a child. Yet, though this is 
certainly the true understanding of the epithet, I have 
often heard it said in praise of yourself by your warm- 
est friends (who in their moments of enthusiasm, have 
even gone to such an astonishing though just length, 
as to say that you were a second Washington in every 
respect) that you were remarkable for this character- 
istic. Indeed, the remark is common to the whole Unit- 
ed States. Yet in making out this account of what a 
Chief Magistrate ought not to be, I must say that he 
ought not to be remarkable for this, since the duties of 
the great station he fills, are of that difficult and ex- 
tremely delicate and complex character, as to require 
in their proper performance the highest pitch of know- 
ledge and wisdom. Hence I have always regarded 
you as one of those men who have been greatly mis- 



17 

represented by the world. Indeed, I scarcely know 
of any man, at all distinguished in our country, who 
has been more abused in this way ; for let me ask — 
I put the question to your candour and truth- — how 
many traits of character have not been attributed to 
you, which you have in no respect deserved ? Believe 
me, O Caesar, the world is a base slanderer and but 
seldom speaks the truth. 

It is indeed true — true as holy writ — that there can 
be nothing great in this w^orld without slander and de- 
traction. The Bible itself is at once an illustration of 
the remark : and I sincerely believe tliat if the great 
Spirit of infinite Wisdom, Mercy and Truth, were to 
descend upon the Earth, unless he came in a shower of 
gold, as Jupiter did to Danae, or as a conqueror with 
a sword of fire, and an arm that was never nerveless, 
he would be stoned to death for an imposter, a villain, 
or a traitor, before he had measured half the globe. 
O Greatness, thou art the child of adversity and mis- 
fortune — thy life is a never-ending toil, like that of 
Sysiphus — nay, it is often a torture, and thou resem- 
blest Ixion on his whirling wheel ; — Envy, with her 
cankered tooth. Hatred, with her withered cheek and 
blighted eye. Malice, with her tongue of fire, and Re- 
venge, followed by the Furies, tearing their horrid 
hair, tread but too surely in thy footsteps. 

In the next place, may it please your Excellency, I 

would say that such an one ought not to be under the 

direction or management of any other in the least. And 

certainly this is not to be disputed ; for were I to say 

2* 



18 

that he who is placed in the situation of a leader, and 
who by virtue of his station is called upon to controul 
and direct others, should be under the management of 
any one who was his inferior, and a sort of ministerial 
officer under him, the person to whom I thus addressed 
myself, would at once say that I was a fool, and knew 
nothing of the matter of which I was speaking. He 
would reply at once to so bald an assertion, that on 
the contrary the man who occupied so exalted and 
foremost a station, should not be like a king of Eng- 
land, or rather a king in clouts, a mere cypher, (as some 
malicious wits have been pleased to say you were) but 
rather one who would lead others by the nose than 
suffer himself to be so led. And in this he would 
certainly say rightly; for if there is any thing certain 
it is this, that the constitution intended that the office 
of Chief Magistrate should be a responsible one, and 
that he who filled that office should be one capable of di- 
recting and managing all its affairs — in one word, that 
instrument contemplated that this Chief Magistrate, 
whose office you now fill with so much glory alike to 
yourself and to the nation, should be as a steward, ac- 
countable to those he served, for all that he did, or 
caused to be done. Hence I think I run no great risk 
in hazarding the position, that such an one as I am de- 
scribing, ought not to be under the direction or man- 
agement of any other m the least. Besides, a wise 
man does not reflect the light of others, but rather re- 
flects his own light — and hence that true saying, which 
have somewhere read or heard, that " a wise man is 



19 

his own lantern^ Now, may it please your excellen- 
cy, from all this there can be no doubt but that a Chief 
Magistrate should be above all management. He 
should stand conspicuous above all others around him, 
like the city set upon a high hill, to which all the fin- 
ger-boards and mile-stones point. He should be the 
centre of light, like a lit-up Chandalier in a temple, by 
which all men may see and read and learn, and to 
which all may point up and say, there is light. — In 
one word, such an one should be the first to thrust his 
hand into every pie, and the last to take it out. 

But may it please your Excellency, although the 
foregoing sentences contain my honest opinions about 
this matter, yet I beg of you that you will take them 
with some allowance, cum grano salis. I am well 
aware that you have thought proper to entertain the 
contrary opinion, yet so great is my desire to place 
things in their proper light, that I have made bold to 
hazard these reflections even in your teeth, if one so 
venerable and aged as yourself, who has some time 
since entered upon that seventh age of Shakespeare, 
can be said to have any. Strong reasons, I am also 
aware, could be brought to the support of your opin- 
ion ; and among others, the proposition might be main- 
tained in the following way, to wit : that a Chief Ma- 
gistrate should be under controul, because he stands in 
an isolated situation, and is clothed with great power; 
and that as all men in the possession of great power, 
are apt to grow giddy by exercising it, and to abuse it, 
(which tendency is exemplified in the history of many 



20 

illustrious men, as Caesar, for instance, or Bonaparte, 
both of whom were estimable in no common degree, 
and graced by many great virtues and excellencies of 
character, until they lost their balance in the excess of 
their success) therefore it is necessary and proper, to 
the end that such an one may not thus forget himself, 
that he should be under the controul or management of 
some person who is not placed in a like ticklish situa- 
tion. And this opinion might be confirmed and 
strengthened by the scriptures themselves, where they 
say, speaking of a certain officer, a Centurion, that he 
was a man under authority^ from which the inference is 
to be drawn, that it was the intention of the Almighty 
that all Magistrates and officers of all sorts on Earth, 
should be under the authority of some one or other. 

Such is the way in which the proposition might be 
maintained. Now 1 must needs say that there is much 
force in this reasoning ; for it has two requisites of a 
good argument; it is logical, in the first place, which 
is a great thing, and in the second, it is backed by au- 
thority. Yet, as you have seen, I have already urged 
somewhat against it, (with w^hat advantage the logi- 
cians themselves must decide ;) and I would now pro- 
ceed to answer the last argument drawn from the autho- 
rity of the Scriptures, in a very lucid and satisfactory 
manner, were it not that I remember that one of 
the brothers of my Lord Peter, who was the scholar, 
remarks wisely, that such things " ought not to he ovzr- 
curiously pried into, or nicclij reasoned upon,'''' there- 
fore, for fear of urging something that might give of- 



21 

fence to the fastidious, I say nothing of this, for I wish 
to keep as much as 1 can on the smiling side of all fa- 
naticks and zealots, who compose so large a portion of 
society at this day, that I am sure, if they were set afloat 
by any ambitious spirit, any Cromwell of their body, 
aided by such as the " fanatick Brook," they could 
carry more terror to thy soul,0 Caesar, than a body of 
armed Nullifiers, hot from a civic feast, headed by the 
most desperate of the Southern Traitors. 

The truth is that a Chief Magistrate of a country 
like ours, should not suffer himself to be under the 
management of any one about his government, not 
even though that person possessed the wisdom of 
Hamilton, the genius of Fox, or the various endow- 
ments of the present Lord Chancellor of England ; 
much less should he be under the control of one who 
is wanting in every thing that could grace the 'mind 
or adorn the heart. For in suffering this, whether 
from incapacity, carelessness, or choice, he violates 
the intention of the constitution, (which, if he is like 
Brutus, a lover of his country, he will never do,) by 
perverting altogether the character of his office, from 
that of a responsible one to one that is irresponsible. 
And as descendants for the most part of a people who 
have ever shewn a strong love of liberty, I am sure 
the thought could never be endured for a moment, 
that there should be any falling off from the spirit of 
our institutions in this respect, as well as any other. 
And what man is there who does not see that such a 
violation would bring back our government, in the 



22 

course of time, and inevitably, to a day of slavery 
and vassalage, almost unknown to the memory of 
Engl ishmen,and ourselves, — who are their descendants, 
— to the day of Henry the 8th and Wolsey, of Eliza- 
beth and Burleigh, when the whole power of the 
state was wielded by an ambitious and unprincipled 
Favourite, through the hands of some dotard, volup- 
tuary, or capricious and selfish tyrant. There is no 
man, I am sure, at this time, who would wish to see 
this, that is not a traitor, a fool or a madman. Her- 
man Littlesneak himself, a man who is absorbed in the 
persecution of his own exaltation, a pander to the hu- 
mours of Power, and a political trickster — a man, too, 
who has incurred that condemnation which awaits 
those who wilfully mislead the blind, — even he could 
not wish for more. 

In the next place, may it please your Excellency, 
such an one as I am describing, should not be devoid 
of judgment and sagacity, which traits are so partic- 
ularly requisite to the proper selection of those offi- 
cers and ministers w^hom it is necessary for him to 
have, to the transacting of the public business. In 
this consists one of the chief requisites of a good ru- 
ler : for unless he has wise and efficient men around 
him, he is like a man who undertakes to manage an 
immense ship without any sailors, since to have fool- 
ish, ignorant and altogether incompetent men, is as 
bad as to have none at all, — nay, w^orse, for these, 
like unskilful sailors, soon carry him upon som.e hid- 
den rock, or lee shore, where he is dashed to pieces, 



23 

and sinks to the bottom. — Indeed these seem, as it 
were, to take delight in running into danger, and they 
would prefer encountering a difficulty, although a 
perfectly easy and safe course lay just before them. 
There is undoubtedly much more to be dreaded from 
foolish and incompetent advisers, than from the want 
of any : for fools and ignorant ones, no doubt with 
good intentions, thinking they are doing wonderful 
things, set about making reforms : overturn this use- 
ful and venerable regulation and that : kick out this 
tried and honest servant, because he looks old and 
has the face of an honest man, and moreover has be- 
haved himself so as not to meet the censure of his for- 
mer master: tear down this beautiful pile, than which 
nothing can be more perfect ; and so on proceed, de- 
stroying and overturning every thing that is useful, and 
perfect even as Wisdom herself, because they do not 
happen to be acquainted with its excellence ; — so true it 
is, " that fools rush in where angels fear to tread.'''' The 
result of all this devastation and overturning is, that 
new things may be supplied, which when tried are 
found not to answer the purpose at all, or if at all, in 
such a lame and imperfect manner, that they are 
worse than nothing. And thus, it is like the case of 
a foolish, wild young man, who is summoned from his 
revels and profligate company, to take possession of 
the rich and beautiful inheritance his father has left 
him; who immediately destroys the venerable pile in 
which his parent had grown gray; and substitutes in 
place of it some misshapen and whimsically contrived 



24 

buildino-, which lets in the rain, the heat and the cold; 
and so goes on, until at last his money spent in such 
follies, and his once proud domain deprived of its beau- 
ty, as well as its value, since no man would live in 
such a place, he curses heaven and quits it for the 
bar-room of some country Inn, where, like the profli- 
gate Villiers, he drinks and is forgotten. 

In the next place such an one should not be employ- 
ed about small and trivial matters, but should be above 
them, and have that high pride and dignity of demean- 
our which were conspicuous in our immortal Wash- 
ington, in Alexander Hamilton, and other great men of 
their day — which traits are only to be found in men of 
vigorous minds and great virtues. Such an one, for 
instance, should not busy himself in superintending the 
inferior officers that were employed in the depart- 
ments, and in prying about among them, like an old 
woman with a pair of spectacles on her nose, who 
looks and smells into every corner to ascertain if there 
might not, by any chance, be some concealed corrup- 
tion about, which had escaped her eye. Such mean 
and little business as this should be left to the super- 
intendance of inferiors, in the same way that about a 
gentleman's household, there are certain duties to be 
performed, which the master of the house should not 
be over-curious in seeing done. Every thing should 
be in character, so that when we undertake to play 
Caesar or Alexander, we should not make our appear- 
ance like the scullion of a kitchen, with a dish-clout 



pinned to our tail ; for, although were such a ruler as 
the merry king Charles to do this, it would be called 
facetious and pleasant, and would serve to help the pit 
to laugh out their hour or so, yet in such a Ruler as 
you, remarkable for your severity of character, and 
stern deportment, it would be at once said, that you 
had lost your wits ; and hence, your subjects would 
draw the inference that you had become distracted 
from the multitude of perplexities and embarrassments 
that surrounded you. 

As the precepts of wisdom, are always better en- 
forced by illustration, I shall to this end relate in a 
brief way, a story of a certain great King of old, 
which I recollect to have read in my youth, and which 
indeed seems to suit the occasion as if it had been in- 
vented for it. The story is this. There was a cer- 
tain king, (his name I have now forgotten) who ruled 
over one of the largest and most flourishing nations of 
that time. He had been a great Captain in his day, 
and his name was an universal terror — so much was 
he dreaded. This king was forever employed in 
mean and unimportant affairs, unbecoming his exalted 
station. Anions: other thin":s he w^ould feed his doars 
out of his own hands, for fear they would be neglect- 
ed; and if a clout chanced to escape from one of his 
children, he was sure to be the one who would pin it 
on. Sometimes, for an whole precious hour at a time, 

alas ! that such strange fancies should ever 

seize upon a Monarch's brain ! —he would stand 

in an open field, trying to overstep his shadow. At 
3 



26 

other times, when other humours seized him, he would 
while away whole hours, in catching and tearing to 
pieces, leg by leg, the flies that buzzed about his 
ears, or chanced to make too free with his nose. Now 
this was observed by the courtiers and placemen about 
his court, who thought it very small employment for a 
great king ; whereupon they began to turn up their noses 
at him,and to take it into their heads that a monarch who 
busied himself in such small matters, had no capacity to 
attend to the greater and weighty affairs of state, which 
were suffering from neglect. And so having come to this 
conclusion, they began from that time to form cabals 
among themselves and to engage in intrigues and con- 
spiracies, which had for their end the dethronement 
of this weak king, and their own exaltation. At last 
things came to such a pass, that they began to quar- 
rel openly with one another, to the great disgrace of 
the nation, in the eyes of all the neighbouring king- 
doms, and to kick about things with such an high 
hand, that certain wise men in the East and West 
•were obliged to come forth with what forces they 
had at their command, and to drive this unfortunate 
king, with the whole crowdof buffoons, jesters, fools, 
knaves, pimps, courtiers, and favourites that had 
gathered around him, out of his capital, and to take 
upon themselves the management of affairs, with 
the hope of retrieving their country from ruin and 
disgrace. Such was the effect of this propensity in this 
king to be engaged in trifles, and mean affairs, while 
the great ones, on the proper direction of which de- 



27 

pendedthe fortunes of thousands of his subjects, were 
suffered to go to the wall 

And now, O Ceesar, havini^ written thus much upon 
what a Chief Magistrate ought not to he, — I shall turn 
the tables, and proceed to say, with as much brevity 
as the subject will admit of, what a Chief Magistrate 
ought to be. 

Under this head then, I am of opinion that such an 
one should possess that quality of command and ma- 
jesty of character which restrains those who are in 
authority under him, ^vithin proper bounds ; and thus 
prevent all such from becoming arrogant, useless, 
and mischievous to the good-government of the state. 
In this respect, it is a truth, that men are like horses, 
which when you once suffer to grow too fat, from doing 
nothing and having too much their own way, become 
foolish, fling about their tails, bite, squeal, kick up their 
heels, and destroy the comfort and convenience of those 
they serve, as well as endanger their lives. Unless, 
indeed, a ruler possesses this quality of character, 
these men (who are ever on the watch for any occasion 
that may serve their purpose) give way to envy and 
malice among one another, embark in intrigues for 
their own promotion, and thus beget divisions which, 
if the light that is shed upon the present by the past, 
be any guide, have always been the cause of w^eak 
councils and feeble administrations in governments. In 
this manner were the divisions in the church brought 
about; for it is written, '' my beloved, did eat and drink, 
he was enlarged and waxed fat, and he kicked.'''' Unless 



28 

the head of a nation has this quality of character, (it 
is the same case with the General of an armj^, or 
any otlier man who is placed in a situation of com- 
mand) tlie arrogant and licentious race of scribes and 
understrappers, soon grow unruly, and aiiairs are sure 
to be mismanaged. 

In the next place he should have judgment to see and 
perceive quid interest Reipiihlicoi — what is for the na- 
tional weal — which, like the prophetic power, foresees 
most things, and leaves but little to the sport of circum- 
stances. TVith difficulty ]ms it heen said, c?o we find 
the things that are before us. And here there is a neces- 
sity for the utmost exertion of the human faculties. 
A Ruler without judgment and a combination of those 
powers of the mind that constitute wisdom, cuts but 
an awkward figure ; and is sure, if you give him but 
rope enough, to involve himself in more absurdities 
and difficulties, in one year, than he can extricate 
himself from in an asre. 

Again, he should have courage and conduct to carry 
into execution the many measures of a bold charac- 
ter, which all rulers may be called upon at any time to 
exercise. It frequently happens that insurrections 
take place, — they occur more or less in all states — 
which if promptly acted upon and with courage, are 
easily quelled, when by a little timidity or wavering, 
they grow to a head, and burst upon the land with more 
terror than the Plegethon of the Poet's, swelling with 
its waves of fire. He should have knowledge, like Ga- 
te, which is so great a help to wisdom; magnanimity 



like that of Regulus, which all rulers have frequent 
occasions to exercise ; patriotism like Brutus, in order 
that all his acts may tend to the good of his country ; 
and benevolence, that they may conduce to the happi- 
ness of his people : and that sagacity^ which is so ne- 
cessary to all men who are placed in stations that ex- 
cite the envy and ambition of others — a sagacity that 
defies the machinations of the traitor, and detects the 
mean workings of the trickster. 

These are the qualities that should be found con- 
spicuous in the character of a Chief Magistrate. And 
now in order that the drift of what I have written, 
may be the more certainly seen, and also, that I may 
hold up to censure the follies and wickednesses of 
Kings and Rulers, I shall translate from an old man- 
uscript which I have in my possession, the history of 
a certain Nero Borgia, who was in times past the king 
of the renoAvned kingdom of Washingtubiana : — But 
this can be better done in a continuation to this Chap- 
ter. 



CONTINUATION OF THE FIRST CHAPTER 



IN WHICH IS CONTAINED, 



THE HISTOHY OF NERO BORGIA^ 



The Most Valiant and Mighty King of the Renoioned King- 
dom of Washiiigtubiana. 



Since every man is fond of his own face, why should you, when we hold it 
break the glass 1—Etherege. 



CID HAMET BEJVE^GELFS 

INTRODUCTION TO THIS HISTORY. 



The following mutilated History, most worthy rea- 
der, came into my possession by one of the merest 
chances in the world. Many years a^o I was travel- 
ling through the ancient and valorous country of Ire- 
land, in search of I know not what, when, as I was 
walking one day in one of the pleasantest streets of the 
city of Cork, my attention was caught by the ap- 



31 

pearance of an humble dwelling — a tenement of but 
one diminutive story — an exceeding small and some- 
what diverting erection of brick and mortar, — which 
was set down in the midst of many spacious and showy 
buildings, the habitations of the fortunate tradesmen, 
merchants, lawyers, doctors and divines, of that city. 
Over the door of this unpretending domicile was 
written in large characters 



JOHN MAGUIRE 

BOOKSELLER. 



Here it was that, after looking over a few shelves of 
worm-eaten books, bound in parchment — such as 
Thomas Aquinas, the Dyvertynge Hystorye of Fry- 
ere Lawrence, The Ancient Fool's Book — old Ballads, 
such as were sung *' to please King Pepin's cradle ;" 
Chronicles of the Kings of Ulster, stray volumes of 
works of Astrology, and such like rare antiquities — 
here, I say, I found, in an out-of-the-way corner, the 
manuscript that contains this History of Nero Borgia. 
It is an old, worm-eaten, mutilated affair of parch- 
ment — every here and there gna^ved into holes and tat- 
ters, such as those that rats and mice make in old and 
greasy records — and in many places altogether illegi- 
ble. 

This will account for the singular appearance that 
this history makes in these pages ; and, although it is 



32 

only a sentence or two, and in no instance more than a 
page, that I have been able to decypher, without com- 
ing upon one of these gaps which have been made in 
it ; yet I am not therefore restrained from publishing 
it, just as it is, for I am sure that any person of any 
depth of perception, who will set his wits to work, 
will be enabled, by the assistance of fortune, to discern 
the drift of the whole history from those parts which 
have not suffered from the worms and the mice. 



THE 

HISTOllY OF NERO BORGIA, 

THE MOST VALIANT AND MIGHTY KING 

OF THE 

RENOWNED KINGDOM OF WASHINGTUBIANA. 



Since every man is fond of his own face, why should you, when we hold it, 
break the glassl—Ethercg'e. 



There once reigned in the renowned kingdom of 
Washingtubiana, a certain Nero Borgia, who was 
such a drivel and ignorant blunderer in all matters that 
appertained to his station, that a great many of the 
wise men of that time believed, that in him and those 
he had about him, ^vas come to pass again that which 
is written of old, and the brute beasts spoke that year 
at divers times and places. This Nero Borgia, from 
all that I can learn, perplexed and almost overwhelm- 
ed with difficulties w^iich he had unwittingly brought 
upon himself, came at last to be so badly off in his up- 
per story, and so to lose what little equilibrium he 
had, that he scarce knew whether he stood upon his 
head or his heels. Indeed he plunged himself by his 



34 

folly into the most wonderful straits, in which, unable 
to move either to the right or left, he would be com- 
pelled to stick, like an awkward Ass in a quagmire, a 
subject for the laughter of the merry and the ridicule of 
all, until extricated by chance or out of pity. As he 
advanced in his career, he became more and more in- 
volved ; so that one day he threw down his golden 
pipe, which he at this time puffed to great excess, (as 
all men who smoke will do, when in trouble) and ex- 
claimed in the bitterness of his heart, " O Nero, Ne- 
ro, Nero Borgia, thou fool ! to sweat and worry 
thyself to a bone underneath this Purple, when thou 
hast it in thy power to slip out from it as a snake from 
its last yearns skin and be at ease." And indeed he 
would have shuffled off his coil whether or no, upon 
seeing that it was the fashion of a great many of the 
rulers of that time to do so, had it not been that his 
principal counsellor, one Reynard, whose surname was 
Fox, — an avaricious, over-greedy dog, who was fond 
of picking up the crumbs that fell from his master's 
table, — would not suffer him to do so ; but prevailed 
upon him to retain his power, by flattering his vanity 
and stroking his beard, and such other arts, as wily 
men know well how to make use of in wheedling old 
age. 

Now this poor Nero, who was of this weak and 
feeble character, could in no wise controul those coun- 
sellors and courtiers that were around him ; for these 
were split up into such divisions, and had every thing 
so much in their own hands, that scarce a month pass- 



35 

ed away without bringing some fresh disgrace upon 
the nation. Under this state of affairs, the safety and 
honour of the country became involved. The wise and 
experienced saw the d-anger, and began the w^ork of 
removing the cause of it. Gloom and uncertainty for 
the future pervaded in a measure all classes of the 
community. Every man that you met, who had any 
interest at stake in the safety of the Kingdom, or a 
spark of that patriotism which is so beautiful a trait in 
the character of mankind, even though personally 
friendly to Nero, and hitherto his partisan, acknow- 
ledged the distrust he felt and the danger he saw, and 
felt disposed, like the ancient Athenian, jealous of his 
liberty, to banish him his country. * * 



(Here a great gap in the manuscript.) 



* * * * Owing to these things the 
people of Washingtubiana were kept in continual fer- 
ment, and had more troubles and griefs than any other 
people that ever were. It was one continual scene 
with them, of toil and turmoil, anxieties, doubts, fears, 
jealousies and wrangling. The disorder that prevail- 
ed in Nero's court, spread throughout the whole king- 
dom ; and men were seen every day in the streets beat- 
ing each other's brains out, and committing all sorts 



36 

of atrocities ; for, reasoned the vicious and depraved, 
as lon^ as our betters do this, why should not we, 
who are hut their followers and imitators, do the 
same? # # # * 



(Here, anotlier hiatus, and then the following grave 
reflection, quoted from some old Philosopher:) Thus 
spoke this wise man, " he that seeketh to be eminent 
among able men, hath a great task; but this is ever good 
for the public ; but he that plots to be the only figure 
among cyphers, is the decay of an whole age." * 



* * It was owing to something of this 

quality of character that Nero was enabled to raise 
himself to the throne of Washingtubiana. The histo- 
ry of his career is well known to his country. In it 
we find that his path can be traced over the trampled 
necks of his followers. From his earliest assay in 
arms down to his last campaign — from the pistol to the 
cannon, we find his career marked by a disregard of the 
laws ; (for these he put his foot upon whenever they 
stood in his way ;) by a magistrality of opinion which 
run riot over other men's ; and by an impetuosity of 
temper, which made him at times to sweep along the 
earth as a whirlwind. His valor, indeed, was terri- 
ble. Like Sir Thomas Erpingham, who was so con- 



37 

spicuous for his warlike exploits in the fields of France, 
his valor, "like amurrian among cattle, was reckoned 
very fatal in the field." 

Owing to these characteristicks, by which he in- 
spired fear in the breasts of the timorous, and love in 
all those who were of like character with himself, he 
acquired the title of Hero ; and his orators and poets 
continually harping upon this before the people of 
Washingtubiana, his fame as such was spread far and 
wide throughout the kingdom. The multitude where- 
ever he went regarded him as a god. They hurled 
their caps in the air in his presence, and in his absence 
danced round a bush, of a particular sort of wood 
which they dedicated to him, like those deluded devo- 
votees who fell prostrate before the calf * 



* * (Here we have a part of the 
MS. with which the mice and moth have made sad 
havoc, and can make out nothing but a word every 
here and there, such as) * * 

* * Washingtub, the capital of 
Washingtubiana, * * everlastingly 
in soapsuds * * bubbles * 

* * fi^oth * 

tinual hot-water by this old woman * 

4 



38 
* leaked out at the bottom, 



* * . another hoop that bound togeth- 

er the kingdom, gone — * * 

* * * all higglety-pigglety, hurly-bur- 

ly. * helter-skelter * 



* * Such was the cock-and-a- 

bull story, invented on this occasion to conceal the 
true cause. O Borgia, hadst thou, not even the hon- 
esty of the Ass I * . * # 



* * And here Reynard prevailed 
upon his master to send the whole of them packing, 
which Avas done to the great joy of the people, who 
cried out on all hands that it was the cleaning out of 
the Borgian stables. One fact however, is most cer- 
tain, that the stables would have been more thorough- 
ly cleaned out, had our Borgia been pitched out with 
the rest of the filth. * * * 

(Here several pages of the manuscript have been lost.) 

* O Love ! Omnipotent Love ! O insatiate 
monster ! thou art a worse .enemy to the human race 
than the Ass's Jaw-bone of old ! Thou hast ruined 
thy thousands and thy tens of thousands! Hannibal, 



39 

who dissolved the rocks of the Alps, (some historian ' 
say with vinegar) and marched almost to the walls ol 
Rome — even he, with victory within his grasp, turn- 
ed aside, and forgot all his recorded vows of vengeance, 
in the smiles of some sun-hurnt girl of Campania : — 
some conjecture that his soldiers got the cliilblains, 
and hence the cause of his retreat ; but this is only a 
cover fabricated by the friends of that illustrious Cap- 
tain, to conceal the unworthy truth. The Duke of 
Marlborough and a celebrated son of Washingtubiana, 
both had their Sally's — two of the Helens, only dis- 
tinguished from each other by colour and country. 
And now we may add the unfortunate Borgia's case, 
which will end our list of men in great place, who 
have been one way or other under bed-curtain infiu- 
encCj and ■ — ■ # * # 



• * (This is the last gap in the manuscript.) 

The truth is, that all this mischief and mal-adminis- 
tration of affairs was in a great measure to be ascribed 
to our Borgia's defective education ; for he (alas ! for 
Washingtubiana !) was brought up in the doctrines of 
the Fiddlefadlean school, of which school, he came in 
time to be one of the chief ornaments ; — indeed he was 
after the straitest of this sect a disciple ; and every 
one knows how many absurd doctrines have been pro- 
pagated, and how many Cimmerian schemes had been 
set on foot, by this class of Philosophers, from the 



40 

first dawn of letters, upon the world (for it is the old- 
dest school extant) down to this period. 

Besides this bad education, Nature in building up 
our Borgia had badly contrived his cockloft ; so that 
it became leaky and let in the weather, until it was so 
damaged, that it was not even a fit place in which to 
stow away any thing except rubbish; and owing to 
this it was in a short time taken possession of by rats 
and mice, who gnawed it into holes in all directions 
and made it a thousand times worse than it was be- 
fore. 

To conclude our history then, (for a history is always 

dull in proportion as it is too long — diiid going too long, 

says a witty prebendary of the Church, is a cause of 

abortion as effectual as going too short,) Nero, being 

such as I have described him, (and I assure you in all 

veracity that I have not swerved one particle from the 

truth but have kept that straight and forward path 

which all honest historians pursue,) besieged on all 

sides, thrust upon by his enemies, and sneered at side^ 

wise by his friends, with forty mortal follies on his 

head, at last became deranged, upon which he w^as 

sent to his private residence a great way off in the 

country, under the care of a certain old and faithful 

domestic, almost the only one of all the crowd that 

were once about him in the day of his fortune and 

power, who had the kindness to stick by him. In 

this retreat, like the worn-out Charles the fifth at the 

monastery of St. Justus, he passed a snail-like, inoffen^ 

sive life, in the indulgence of such whims as take pos-^ 



41 

session of a diseased mind, until his death, which took 
place after he had run through the usual span of life, 
It is said hy some that he was restored to his senses 
before he died ; which indeed seems probable, for the 
verses on his tomb-stone, which have been carefully 
made legible by the hand of some friendly antiquary, 
seem to indicate as much.— They are these, 

" Here lies a Cavalier of fame, 
Whose dauntless courage soared so high, 
That death who can the boldest tame, 
He scorned to flatter or to fly. 

A constant bug-bear to the bad. 
His might the world in arms defied ; 
And in his life though counted mad, 
He in his perfect senses died." 

One fact, however, in winding up this melancholy 
history, I cannot in justice pass over ; for it is one of 
those touches which my pen most delights to dwell up- 
on, and which, alas, I have had so little opportunity to 
recount in narrating this history. In the disposition 
which our Borgia made of his wealth (which I am told 
was by no means inconsiderable,) he left a handsome 
independence to his faithful Achates, who had seen 
him through his last shoes. O gratitude ! how rare a 
quality art thou in tlie character of the great ! O Bor- 
gia, thou rivallest iEneas — the pious and brave ^neas, 
in thy friendships ! Tliou outdoest the Manchegan 
Hero, in providing for thy squire ! O Washingtubianian 
Nero, how art thou superior to the Roman ! And this 
gratitude was not suffered to go unrewarded ; for this 
modern Achates, like an honest old dog whose love 
4* 



42 

for his master leaps over the narrow boundary of life, 
eked out the remainder of his days in continual praises 
of his imperial master — in rehearsing to the idle and 
the curious, some marvel that he had done— (and God 
knows he did many !) and in pointing out to the stran- 
ger and the vagrant, the grave of all that was once a 
Nero. 

'. (H< r J ends the manuscrip'.) 



Such, Caesar of the Moderns, was the life and 
death of Nero Borgia — a ruler from whose mistaken 
courses, others that are so unfortunate as to be called 
upon to endure the burdens of Magistracy, may profit 
almost ad libitum; for in him they may see what a sor- 
ry figure Folly and Ignorance cut, when they chance 
to get into high places, and how excellent and com- 
mended of all men, it is to be wise. 

And here, to the end that I may not write out all I 
have to say in this chapter, and thus leave nothing for 
the next; and above all, in order that your Excellency 
may have some breathing time for reflection (for I wish 
that you would ponder well upon the truths I have 
taught) I shall conclude this first lesson with this part- 
ing requisition, that you make the study of the precepts 
and wise reflections contaii ed herein, your nightly and 
daily labor. 

Nocturna veisate nianu, versate diurna. — " 



CHAPTER IL 



The voice of praise is sweet. 

Xenophon. 

These signs have marked me extraordinary ; 
And all the courses of my life do show, 
I am not in the roll of common men. 

Henry 4fA. 



It rejoices me, O Caesar of the Moderns, that I 
have it at last in my power, to write your name at the 
head of a second chapter. After having made out the 
first chapter, I was indeed sorely put to it, to know 
what I should write in the present ; not because there 
was any barrenness of invention with me, or could be 
any with a writer of any capacity, upon such a sub- 
ject as I now write ; but on account of the multiplici- 
ty of thoughts that crowded upon my mind, and threw 
me into perplexity, like the Ass of old, between the two 
bundles of hay, to know which to take hold of first. In- 
deed I can scarcely imagine of any such difficulty of pro- 
cedure in ocmpositions or treatises of this sort,which are 
of a straight-forward, positive character, and altogether 
secimdam natiiram ; and which do not require a know- 
ledge of the rules of art, as is the case with composi- 



44 

tions of a satirical character, in which a wonderful 
degree of invention and wit are necessary to the pro- 
per formation of them. Those writers who have a 
taste for satire, you may take my word for it, have a 
very unpleasant time of it. They are put to all ima- 
ginable devices and expedients. To this end I could 
bring up many ilhistrious instances ; as among others, 
the Dean of St. Patrick's, who tells us himself, if I re- 
member aright, in a preface to one of his best compo- 
sitions, that he sharpened his invention by hunger, and 
in general wrote under a course of physic and a great 
want of money. Such are the shifts and straits to 
which those are put, who write in a satirical vein. — 
But the case is not thus with those writers, who like 
myself steer clear of these sort of compositions altoge- 
ther ; for we are not obliged to resort to these purga- 
tions and inflictions. As for myself, I can assure your 
Excellency, that I did not set down to the composition 
of this dedication in forma pauperis^ and that I neith- 
er starved nor physicked myself in the least; but that 
I lived along pretty much as usual, and wrote through- 
out under the possession of as much money as would 
keep the devil from dancing in my pockets, — from all 
which facts, you may very justly infer that there is 
not the smallest grain of satire in this treatise. 

In this chapter, may it please your Grace, (which I 
intend shall be a much more wonderful and far short- 
er one than the other,) I shall proceed to discourse in 
somewhat a different strain. Do not, therefore, I beg 
of you, be at all confounded when I speak darkly, but 



45 

fecollecl that there is ia great deal in the dark sayings 
of the wise, which although it may appear incompre- 
hensible to you now, yet, when in the course of time, 
by chewing the cud of reflection, as the sagacious 
Panza was wont to do, your mind shall have become 
more at home upon them, you will find clear as truth 
herself, and wonderfully full of matter worthy of a 
wise man's meditation. And if perchance you should 
happen to meet with any thing that is light in your es- 
timation, and that causes you to laugh, remember also 
that there is frequently much truth concealed mdev 
the mask of levity. Truths indeed are not things that 
float about upon the surface : they are of a material 
too weighty for that. It is only those things that are 
light that are to be found at top, — And hence the ob- 
servation that dictated the saying that Truth lies at 
the bottom of a well. 

From all that is contained in the foregoing para« 
graph I find much argument that may be urged in be- 
half of your Excellency's own compositions, which 
are admitted on all hands to be of that extremely dark 
and incomprehensible character, that but few out of 
the pale of your own school, can at all comprehend 
them. But your Excellency is aware that folly is a 
thing that is more easily comprehended by fools than 
by wise men, as knavery is by knaves more than by 
honest men. And hence it is that I account for the 
world's not comprehending what so wise a man as 
yourself has written ; for, the world's a fool par exceU 
lence, (if we may be allowed to judge any thing frpiu 



46 

the hair-brained projects in which it has ever been 
embarked, from a date long anterior to that of Peter 
the Hermit, or even to that of the siege of Troy, dovrn 
to the present time) and therefore cannot comprehend 
the voice of Wisdom when she. cries out from the 
house-tops and the high places ; since by parity of 
reasoning, if it takes a knave to understand knavery, 
or a fool to comprehend folly, it must be only the wise 
who can comprehend the voice of wisdom. And we 
have confirmation of this in the beasts of the field, for any 
one who, like Tristram Shandy, has contemplated the 
ways of the A.ss, must have observed oftentimes, how 
that the brayings of that animal are perfectly familiar 
to Mules and others of his own species, w^hilst they 
create the greatest wonder in the other beasts of the 
field. Here then is a very sufficient reply to all those 
slanderers, carpers, detracters, and the loud-mouthed, 
froward herd of critics, who are ever engaged in pick- 
ing holes in those most admirable State Papers which 
you have given to your subjects at divers times, in 
which is made manifest, as I am bold to maintain, 
how much you have disappointed the predictions of 
your friends and caused even your enemies to won- 
der. For the truth is, that your Magisterial Vetos 
and Letters Mandatory to your subjects, (which some 
malicious people have greatly outraged by saying, tha 
they were unto your own party a stumbling-block, and 
unto all the rest of the world foolishness,) are not 
dark, because they are really obscure and unmeaning, 
as were the imperial decrees of Rome in her later and 



-47 

less glorious days, but because they are unintelligible 
to the limited comprehensions of your subjects But 
this is departing from what I intended should be the 
subject of my labours in this chapter. Therefore I 
break off here from this discussion, in order that I may 
turn back and come along with my proper subject, in 
which, as I have already intimated, I intend to bring 
forth something new under the sun. And thus I be- 
gin, — first and beforehand, however, invoking to my 
aid the God Apollo,_to whose worship I have all my 
life clung with a child's love, and Pallas, whose inspi- 
rations I have fancied I have sometimes felt. 

As all authors, O Caesar, since the time that dedi- 
cations were first invented, have informed their pa- 
trons or dedicatees who their illustrious ancestors 
were, and of all that related to their descent, I feel 
myself constrained to speak some little concerning 
yours, out of respect to so ancient and laudable a cus- 
tom. 

You are descended may it please your Excellency, 
from'one of the most remarkable of all the remarkable 
men of the world, a celebrated ancient who was called 
Hercules, who performed such astonishing feats, as 
are almost incredible. His twelve labours have been 

Icanticled by every generation for the last two thou- 
sand years and upwards — so great is the fame of this 
wonderful genius. Among the great things that he 
did was the cleaning out of the stables of Augeas, 
which contained the accumulated corruption and filth 
made by 3000 Oxen during 30 years. — And hence it 



48 

is, that a certain great feat of yours has been liken- 
ed to this one of your illustrious ancestor's. From 
this remarkable man your descent is traced down 
through along and unsullied line of worthies, (conceruw 
ing whom I shall say nothing here for reasons that are 
best known to myself,) until we come to that wonder- 
ful personage, a certain Asinus, surnamed Scythianus, 
because he put an whole army of Scythians to flight, 
in a terrible panic, merely by the sound of his voice, as 
is related of him by thai great historian Herodotus. — 
And hence the custom, amongst the most admirable 
ancients who did nothing wrong, of giving a man a 
surname indicative of any great exploit he had per- 
formed, which we find to have been in fashion down 
as late as the days of Scipio, who was surnamed Afri- 
canus, on account of the drubbings he gave the Car- 
thagenians ; and even at a much later period, as is 
instanced in the ever memorable case of a certain 
canting Leather-seller, — a conspicuous adherent of 
that bold and bloody butcher, CromwxU, and a mem- 
ber of the Rump Parliament, — who was surnamed 
Praise- God-Barebone, on account of his wonderful 
wrestlings with God, which is indicated in Praise- God, 
and his hungering and thirsting after righteousness, 
which is indicated in Barebone. This Asinus Scy- 
thianus, I regard as by far the most remarkable of all 
your great ancestors ; yet do not think that I bedaub 
your Excellency with too much flattery and other such 
like oily filth, when I write you down a much greater 
personage than this renow^ned Scythianus, which is 



49 

manifest in the fact that you did but open your mouth 
and speak, when straightway your friends were all 
thrown into the most terrible consternation and panic, 
and at last put to flight in whole crowds. This feat 
I regard as far more remarkable than that of Asinus 
Scythianus, who only put to flight his enemies by the 
sound of his voice, which I can much more easily con- 
ceive of than the dispersion^of his friends by the same 
means. 

Now we skip over a vast number of personages, 
who were remarkable in their day and generation, un- 
til we come down to a very celebrated bull-fighter of 
Hispaniola, who was remarkable for having brought 
over the breed of the bulls of Colchis, who guarded 
the golden fleece, from Italy, (where they had been 
preserved for man}^ years, and with such great care, 
by Queen Chimaera,) and propagating them throughout 
Spain ; and also for having begotten the celebrated 
Milesius, who was a great adventurer, who went over 
and settled himself in the kingdom of Ireland, through 
whom we trace St. Patrick, who did a great thing in 
driving out the snakes and bull-frogs from that land, 
in the same manner that your Excellency has driven 
out from this country of ours, certain animals indigen- 
ous to the soil, and are still engaged, with a perseve- 
rance equalled only by St. Patrick in the case of the 
frogs and snakes, in driving them out even to exter- 
mination — all which you do for the sake of quiet and 
peace in the land. And thus, O Caesar, do you pur- 
sue that very wise policy, which has for so many re- 
5 



50 

volving years, been practised upon the descendants of 
Milesius by a certain Leviathan of the sea, — a proud, 
monarchical, aristocratical, democratical, trinitarian, 
stiff-tailed, bluff, over-greedy, bull-dog of a beast; and 
which is one only of the many wise and just things this 
monster has accomplished since he grew up to be 
strong and mighty. Indeed, now that I come to re- 
flect further upon it, I can see a wonderful similarity 
between your treatment, of these native animals of our 
soil and this monster's of these poor Milesians ; for 
this latter, — as is instanced more particularly in the 
deeds of Black Tom, one of his most conspicuous re- 
presentatives and vicG-gerents, — acting upon a prin- 
ciple familiar to all experienced and wise despots, 
seeing that his just and equitable exactions were grum- 
bled at by these rebellious Milesians, determined up- 
on exterminating them outright, in order thereby to 
pacify them — which fact I gather from Captain Rock, 
a Milesian himself, who wr«:/te well upon this matter. 
Now^ it seems to me, O Csesar, that this is precisely 
the course that it has pleased your Ex:cellency to adopt 
in the accomplishment of your design of quieting those 
animals of ours to which I allude. — And m this you 
do wisely, and as a legitimate Caesar, since, as all 
must see, the most effectual way of quietmg their 
mouths, and preventing them longer to disturb the 
land with their remonstrances and threats, is to extermi- 
'iiate them as Saint Patrick did the frog and the snake. 
But this is digressing from the genealogy of your fam- 
ily, to which I make haste to return. 



51 

Your Excellency's blood now flowed down in the 
regular order of nature, until a late period, when it 
once nfiore broke out into something remarkable in the 
person of one Sir Rory Ballyshally — who was indeed 
a broth of a boy. This distinguished scion of a long 
line of remarkables, made much stir in the world on 
various scores. Among other things he founded that 
'^ line Seminary for the Humanities, ' at Bolognc. But 
he is more particularly handed down to posterity as a 
chivalrous knight who whilom made the tour of Ire- 
land, travelling over every high-road and by-road in 
it, in order that he might thwack and bethump any 
one who had so much disregard of our blessed reli- 
gion, as to get astride an ass. To this end he armed 
himself with a Shilleighlah, and a bottle or so under 
his belt, and mounted on his own good bog-trotters, 
made such great progress, that he dismounted near 
three hundred travellers and honest souls from their 
asses, (the Ass was a favourite beast in those days,) in 
the short space of three weeks : and all this he did be- 
cause our Saviour once rode upon one of these beasts ; 
ever since which period that blessed animal has borne 
the mark of the Cross either on his shoulder or his 
rump, from which our knight your ancestor, affirmed 
that the beast was alone to be used for sacred purpo- 
ses, and that it was a cantempt of our Holy Mother, 
the Church, in any layman, or any other than one of 
the Clergy of the- rank of a Parish-Priest, to get as- 
tride this me^k and humble beast. But this, O Ceesar 



52 

I will make bold to affirm, is nothing equal to your 
own achievements in your youth and manhood '^ 
for you have knocked down and blown the brains out 
of twice that number, if report be true, and were more 
conspicuous in your time for blood-drawing, gouging, 
and other such like Imperial accomplishments, and 
had the best knowledge of those two arts, the art of 
Rough-and-tumble and of Rowing, of any man of your 
day and generation. This is instanced in almost innu- 
merable cases, but more especially in that one in which 

you smote your enemies, Jesse, of the root of , 

and his brothers and clansmen, in the house of a cer- 
tain Publican that is situated afar off in the West, in 
that city called Gnashopolis — the rooms of which, 
even at this day, as I am told, bear attestation to your 
wonderful prowess, in the bullet-holes that are spotted 
over the ceilings, and the dark blood stains, w^hich, 
like those that mark the spot of David Rizzio's assas- 
sination in Holyhood palace, time itself cannot oblite- 
rate. 

From this illustrious personage. Lord Ballyshallyy 
your line comes down to a point like a snake^s tail, 
until at last we lose sight of it altogether for a time — 
at least all that I have been able to find concerning it, 
is of a confused and uncertain nature. At this point 
then of the history of your descent, all that I can say 
is, that it is a blank— an untrodden and unsullied spot, 
upon which the Genius of your race may sit and ad- 
mire the great personages into whom his spirit has 
been infused on either side. 



63 

And now I fall in with your ancestors again, in the 
person of that remarkable man who came to this coun- 
try about a century or two ago ; — who was one of 
two brothers, who, having a turn for adventure, set 
sail into different parts of the world to seek their for- 
tune. This ancestor, who was the founder'of the fam- 
ily on this side of the water, was a man of the most 
aristocratic cast, insomuch that he took the greatest 
pride in exhibiting his family Coat of Arms, with its 
blazonry, devices, &c. upon all occasions ; and in this, 
if I recollect aright, was a singular thing in heraldry, 
that I do not remember ever to have met with before, 
which was a Goat Rampant, with his head and horns 
in a goring attitude, at^the top of the Arms, and at the 
bottom this motto, 

Occursarc Capro, illc ferit cornu, caveto. 

This, I suppose, was designed as an indication of 
that excellent characteristic of your race which has 
so often manifested itself in your Excellency ; and 
which indeed seems to support an opinion that I have 
for some time been disposed to maintain, that you may 
judge of men in a great measure as you do of horses, 
by their strain. Fortes crecmtur afortibus. 

Extraction indeed has much to do with the virtues 
and vices of men ; else why is it that we see a long 
line^ beginning as far back as the Edwards or the Hen- 
ries, in which you may go from father to son, with- 
out ever meeting with the record of one noble or gen- 
erous action — crying out the whole way " its all bar* 
5* 



54 

ren;" another, in which falsehood, treachery and knave- 
ry are the chief characteristics ; a third, in which 
each man is a fool or an idiot; do we not continually 
read of the heroic Edwards and the fierce Henries, 
the brave and generous Percies, the cruel and blood- 
thirsty Caisars, the munificent and princely Medici — 
of the Brutusses, renowned for their true love of coun- 
try — of the wisdom and virtue of the Portian family ? 
Has not this man's blood been marked by vice and ef- 
feminacy, and that one's by honesty, fidelity, truth and 
patriotism? Is not tliis family prolific — in nothing but 
numbers ; whilst that other can tell of its sages, wits 
and heroes ? All this is true — true, my Imperial Patron, 
as any thing that ever came from Cid Hamet's vera- 
cious pen. And here I will take occasion to advise 
the young and inexperienced of my countrymen — to 
advise them as a sincere friend — as one who wishes 
this republic to grow up in greatness and moral beau- 
ty — to think well of what they are about, when they 
set about that high and responsible duty of propagat- 
ing their seed ; and to reflect that upon what they are 
about to do depends, whether or not, their descendants 
shall be wise and virtuous — wise and virtuous to the 
only preservation of the Republic. 

But to return once more to our descent. This an- 
cestor, O Caesar, of whom v>'8 last made mention, 

whose christian name was , begot 

Caleb who begot Willie, who begot Habbakuk the fan- 
atic preacher, who being a brawny, broad shouldered 
and lusty fellow, begot a whole congregation, by some 



55 

one of whom was begotten a certain Kory, who was 
called '' roaring Rory," on account of his going about 
the land like a wild bull ; who begot Jupiter of the 
Moderns, from whose prolific brain, like the fabled 
Minerva of old, you sprang, O Caesar, a full grown 
wonder — a hero and a sage — a Caesar and a Brutug 
combined — the magnificent, magistral, renowned, va- 
liant, terrible, wise and only true Cassar of the Mod- 
erns ! 

Of the wonderful signs and disturbances that mark- 
ed your birth, I shall say nothing here. It needs not 
that I should here tell, how the raven croaked and the 
owl shrieked from his hollow tree, how the cat cater- 
wauled and the cock crew, how the ass brayed and 
the bull roared, how the mountains began to burn, and 
the thousand other signs that have " marked you ex- 
traordinary !" for these things are better to be ima- 
gined than related. — And thus trusting to the imagina- 
tion of the reader, I shall go on to the next chapter. 



CHAPTER III. 



-Fall to, and spare not ; here is excellent good mutton ; or 



bold, now my hand is in, 1 will help you. 

Tale of a Tub: 



Ye are a factious crew and enemies to all good government. Ye are a pack 
of mercenary wretches, and would, like Esau, sell your country for a mess of 
pottage ; and like Judas, betray your God for a few pieces of money. Is there a 
virtue now remaining among you? Is there one vice you do not possess 7 la 
there a man among you that hath the least care for the good of the Common- 
wealth 1 

• Go, get you out ; make haste ! ye venal slaves, begone. 

Oliver Cromwell. 



We will now proceed, O Caesar of the Moderns, 
with our third chapter, which I intend shall contain 
some things worthy of my pen. 

There is nothing in which men in responsible sta- 
tions go so much astray, as in their treatment of their 
followers. You are yourself, however, an illustrious 
instance to the contrary, whilst all those who have 
gone before you, are sad examples of this truth. — 
There are always about every new Magistrate — of 
whom there are a great many in all Republics — a host 
of followers and supporters — aloud-mouthed, greedy, 
turbulent and miserable pack, upon whose shoulders 
he has ridden, kicked and spurred, into power. These, 
a venal set — whose peculiar characteristick it is, nev- 



57 

er to know what they want, what they are about, or 
when they have enough, even when they have gorged 
themselves — swarm round a newly chosen ruler of a 
Republic, and with mouths wide open, one hoarsely 
cries out that's my bacon, — another, that's my loaf — a 
third, that's my fish — and a fourth swears by his Ma- 
ker, that his master shall give him some good thing or 
other, or he'll tell some secrets upon him, that will 
raise a hornet's nest about his ears, and so on ; — all 
which outcry tliey make, because they are such de- 
voted friends to liberty, which they foolishly imagine 
indeed, having been so often told so by their Master 
and Chief Now that wherein most rulers go astray 
here, is this : that they do not sufficiently attend to the 
requisitions of these honest people whom they have 
ridden; but turn about to them and say, " ye scurvy 
knaves, vile tatterdamalions, off-scourings of the earth, 
begone, and cease to trouble me with your presump- 
tuous clamour ; — Why do you beg of me this place 
and that at my table, when there are so many worthier 
than you that are already in them, or that I can ob- 
tain !" thus treating them like the Ape in the fa- 
ble, who upon requesting the Fox to give him a piece 
of his fine long tail, to cover his nakedness, was replied 
to by the Fox, that he would do no such thing ; 
but would rather sweep the ground with his tail, as 
long as he lived, than give him the least bit of it. Now 
this is a great mistake in rulers, and deserves to be ex- 
posed and punished ; for is it not reasonable — does h 
not come plump up to the common sense of mankind, 



58 

that these people should be rewarded for their toil 
and trouble ? Did not our blessed Saviour himself say 
to a certain class, verily I say unto you, you shall have 
your reward I And again, it^jft^ raan is there among 
you, whom if his son ask bread, inll he give him a stone ? 
And what great justice does your Excellency evince 
in this particular, in adopting a course directly the re- 
verse of these rulers ! for you, acting upon that just 
principle that the saddle should be put upon the right 
horse, as soon as you had ridden upon these people in- 
to power, dismounted, and placing the saddle upon 
your own back, bid as many of them that were- 
nearest you, that could, lo get up and ride, since 
now their time was come. I say, O just Caesar, that 
your course in this particular, is as different as can 
well be conceived, from that of all others who have 
gone before you. And from this comes it, that it has 
been so truly said of you, that you have not at this 
time a superior in the art of governing ; and that in 
the history of the whole world there is but one ruler 
who can be at all compared with you, and that is, the 
celebrated Governor of the Island of Baritaria — who 
was, indeed, a miracle of a Magistrate, in his way. 

Indeed, I have your Excellency at this moment be- 
fore me in my fancy, seated on an old oak chair, dis- 
daining the soft and cushioned seat of your luxurious 
and effeminate predecessors, robed in a hunting shirt — 
the true garb of Liberty, and a hickory broomstick in 
your hand, (which is a great thing to provoke medita- 
tion) crying out, with outstretched arms, to the crowd 



59 

around you, " come, draw up my honest fellows ; ' fall 
to, and spare not'; — here is the best offish, and butch- 
er's meat, and wild fowl ; come, I say, knock out that 
old, lean, gray-headed dog of a fellow, that has been 
feeding here for years past, without ever putting so 
much as an ounce of flesh on his bones, and some of 
you take his seat : drive out all who are not as one of 
us : — What ? shall my house be made a place for lazy 
knaves to nestle and hatch and feed a brood ! tumble 

them all out, every d d mother's son of them, 

and let honest men get into their places ; — cut, slash 
and scatter, my Myrmidons." — But, methinks, I hear 
some one more prudent and cunning than the rest of 
this herd, who had got an easy seat somewhere near 
your Excellency, say in your ear, "Stop master, 
had'nt you better take care, and proceed more cautious- 
ly, for already I hear some foolish people without 
doors, crying out against you, and saying that what 
you are doing the like never was seen or heard of be- 
fore." " And that's a God's truth," your Grace re- 
plies. " But let them clamour until their tongues come 
out : am not I the great Ccesar of the Moderns ? and 
have I not the voice of the multitude to sustain me } — 
then why need I regard the outcries of these few — 
these cursed dogs — these venal slaves, who have no 
more honesty than my horse." To which this Place- 
man replies, '' All you say is true, O Caisar, yet, I 
pray you, remember, the great Julian lost his newly 
acquired crown upon the Ides of March, and some 
American Brutus, followed by a devoted few, may 



60 

yet" . V . . , 

. (here my fancy refus- 
ed to continue the dialogue; but whatever was to fol- 
low, be it of a fearful nature or not, your Excellency 
heeded it not, but concluded your harangue to your 
followers thus :) " Fall to my honest friends : eat and 
drink every one of you, for it's all of the best that I give 
you ; and you deserve it all — nay, more, if I had it, 
for setting me up here to preside over such good 
things." 

In all this, O Caesar, I think I can see the generosi- 
ty and magnanimity of the most noble of the Caisars. 
— And here permit me to say, that if there are any 
virtues that sit well upon the chief of a Republic, they 
are those of magnanimity and generosity — a magna- 
nimity and a generosity that throw out all selfish con- 
siderations, and that look alone to the benefit of the 
subject, who, poor devil ! has tugged and sweated by 
day, and at night, worn out his lungs in huzzaing at 
tlie spoutings-forth of that useful body of men, who 
are in such great demand with your Excellency, and 
whose services the State, at all times, so much needs 

—I mean Stump Orators-- — —^Demagogues— — - 

Salamanders, — who spring up most in free countries, 
and like rank weeds, indicate the richness of the soil 
that nourishes them ■ — who has done all this I say, in 
upholding the State, of which you are, O Caesar, in his 
estimation, both the part and the whole — the appl^ 
and the egg. 



61 

It is related in the history of Johannes Hallicarnas- 
sus, that when SulpitiusStultissirnus was made Empe- 
ror of Rome, there was such a flight of hirds as was 
never seen or heard of before, whether it be on account 
^ of their number, the noise and clamour they made, or 
the horrible smell and filth that came from them. Hal- 
licarnassus describes them as coming in great gangs, 
as being uncommonly large in the wings, which ena- 
bled them to fly fast, and of a dirty brown and black 
colour, with long and sharp talons and bills, — in short, 
as a bird of great voracity, and as being known to the 
parts from whence tliey came by the name of Harpies. 
It was in the first year of tliis Emperor's reign that 
they appeared, and in the first part of that year. They 
hovered over the capitol, prowled about the commons, 
stopped up the streets, and at last became so bold and 
impudent as to enter the grounds of the palace, and 
even entered the palace itself. There was scarce a 
spot, says this accurate and most excellent historian, 
that they did not light upon, and not a good thing or in- 
deed a thing of any sort, whether good, bad or indif- 
ferent, that they did not pounce upon with their long 
talons and bear ofl". Indeed they V\^ere so voracious,that 
it is related of one of them that not being able to get 
any thing else, he grabbed up and flew ofl" with a pair 
of the Emperor^s old breecJies^ — (which was a sort of pan- 
taloon or covering for the legs which the Romans 
wore about that time.) It is further related of them 
that they were so extremely filthy that they polluted 
every spot they touched, and that it u^as as difficult to 
6 



62 

pick your way along- where they liacl been, as to walk 
tlirough the old close of Edinborough of a mornin.j. 
Whilst they remained about the capital, scarce a wise 
man, or indeed any one who was at all dc^sirous of pre- 
serving himself from their contamination, ventured 
near the palace ; so that this Emperor was shut out 
from all respectable approach as long as they remain- 
ed. Qiiis taliafandOj temperet alacrymis? says Halli- 
carnassus, at this melancholy part of his narration. 
The whole Roman Nation was in uproar, and in fear 
and trembling for what it foreboded ; for it was by 
one consent of the seers and wise men that it was set 
down as a flight of ill omen. Some supposed that it 
foreboded war and the ruin of the nation. Others, 
and among these was one conspicuous prophet, who 
said of it mysteriously, and with a true prophetic cer- 
tainty and definitivene^s, that it was a sign of the times. 
Others again, said that it indicated a pestilence and a 
famine throughout the land. The Oracle at Delphos, 
that oracle that was so celebrated throughout the an- 
cient world for its unerring accuracy of divination, — 
said that it was a sign that Corruption had seized up- 
on the bowels of the State. An old book, one of those 
that belonged to the old Sybil, was found in the tem- 
ple of Jupiter Capitolinus, with its leaves opened at 
that very spot in which the corruption and slavery of 
Rome were foretold. But what is remarkable, all 
these Prophets concurred in mailing this prophecy con- 
cerning it, ^* THAT IT INDICATED THAT THE INS WOULD 



63 

BE OUT, AND THAT THE OUTS WOULD BE IN ;" and thlS 

prophecy although difficult to understand the meaning of 
at this day, as is the case witli a great many others of 
that age, came to pass, as our historian says, and was 
fulfilled to to the letter — in totidem Uteris. 

But to what end write all this down here ? Who 
was this Johannes Hallicarnassus — this so excellent 
historian ? Why rummage out from old books which 
man never saw before these ancient marvels ? Who 
will believe such stories? If there be any reader of 
this treatise, who is so bold and so ignorant as to ask 
these questions, I say that he is an unlearned and pre- 
suming reader, and must find out answers for them him- 
self. Does such an one suppose that Cid Hamet has noth- 
ing else to do but answer the questions of the idle, the 
curious, the simple, or the impertinent? To such an 
one,I am free to reply, that it is my part to write, and 
yours to read and comprehend, if perchance you have 
any powers that way about you, otherwise to pass 
these things by as a piece of Free-Masonry, or as a 
sealed fountain like that which Solomon kept for his 
own use, and reflect tliat much golden knowlege is de- 
nied to the many. And if this answer does not suffice 
this reader, whoever he may be, all that remains for 
me to do, is to part company vvith him before we go 
fartlier on our way ; for at this rate we should never 
come to the end of our journey, since we would be 
stopping under the shade of every tree we came across 
by the road side, to clear up some idle doubt or unim- 
portant ditliculty ; and besides, my stubborn and mu- 



64 

lish friend, I have made it a rule through life, as Tris- 
tram Shandy said to his mule, who had made a dead 
point with him on the road hetwixt Nismes and Lunel, 
oiever to argue a point with one of your family as 
long as [live. So farewell, my heteroclite compan- 
ion — valete, valete, valcte, — I go to pursue the hend of 
my humour in another chapter. 



CHAPTER IV. 



T thousand coaches; 15,000 single horse chairs; QO.OOO wagons, crowded 
as full as they could all hold with senators, counsellors, syndicks, beguines, wi- 
dows, wives, virgins, canons, concubines, all in their coaches. The abbess of 
Uuedlingberg, with the prioress, the deaness and sub-chantress leading the pro- 
fession, in one coach, and the Dean of Strasburg, with the four dignities of his 
chapter on her left hand; the rest following higglety-pigglety as they could: 
Kome on horseback; some on foot; some led; some driven; some this way; som^ 

that— all, &c. &. &c. 

Slaickcnbcrg-ius' Tale. 



There is no case that could occur, O Caesar, better 
calculated to embroil a state than such an one as that 
which is already beginning to set ourselves b}' the cars, 
the disposition of our surplus Revenue. This, with 
bodies politic as with families, is a subject over which 
the genius of Discord seems ever to preside. And 
thus does it not unfrequently happen that our greatest 
prosperity is the immediate cause of our greatest mis- 
fortune. Men get drunk upon their good fortune and 
so do states. 

The ancient empires of the world have been fre- 
quently on the verge of dismemberment for this very 
cause. Vre are all familiar with the story of the dis- 
sensions in Rome between the Patricians and Plebeians 
= — how tlicse two orders were ever struggling with 
each other upon every occasion that presented itself, 



66 

whenever they were not diverted by wars abroad or 
wars at home. And among other causes that nourish- 
ed these contentions between these two bodies, we 
find that that which most frequently embroiled them 
was the division of their conquered lands.* Tlie one 
party, the Plebeians, claimed that these should be di- 
vided among the people at large ; whilst the Senate 
or Patricians objected, fearing that the Plebeians who 
were already gaining ground upon them, should by this 
means, in the end, acquire too great power in the state, 
and thus destroy that balance which they deemed so 
necessary to be preserved in all states between their 
seperate interests. To such lengths we are told, was 
this contention carried, that one of the Appian family 
(a family very conspicuous in this quarrel) was even 
impeached by the Plebeians for a speech which he 
had made in the Senate against this proposed division; 
and that, like a true Roman, he chose rather to kill 
himself than undergo a trial for such a cause, in which 
he knew but too well, that he would have been hand- 
ed over to the Lictor, no matter how able or just his 
defence ; (for what virtue or what vvisdom can stand 
out against the madness of an angry and successful 
faction ?) 

The result of this contention was the success of the 
Plebeians in their proposed scheme, by which they 
obtained new power. 



*For tlic fact? rclatod in this brief historical sketch, see FergusiOn's Romari 
Republic, aiul Conlests and Dissensions in Athens anil Home. 



67 

Again we find, when some years after, in tlie 
time of the Gracchi, ( those two brothers who es- 
poused the cause of the Plebians with great energy 
and ability, and it must be confessed, with greai show 
of justice on their side — and who at last fell victims to 
the contentions they had raised) — there were other con- 
quered lands to be divided, that the old quarrel was re- 
newed, in which the Plebeians again, headed by the 
elder Gracchus, obtained the same success. 

And thus in two memorable instances do we find the 
same people set together by the ears for a similar 
cause to that which is about to embroil ourselves. 

The effect that these contentions had upon the Ro- 
man Commonwealth, should teach us, who are a peo- 
ple-of somewhat the same character and placed under 
almost similar circumstances, a lesson never to be for- 
gotten ; for they paved the way, in conjunction with 
other such like causes, to the destruction of her free- 
dom and the ruin of her greatness. They brou;:>-ht a- 
bout a destruction of the balance of powxr within the 
state; for by repeated attempts at encroachments al- 
ways attended with success, the Plebeians eventually 
overthrew the power of the Patricians, and obtained 
completely the upper hand in the state — insomuch 
so, that Rome was from this time, until the time of 
Julius Ceesar, completely under the domiiiion of this bo- 
dy: her government v/as a tyranny of the many.* This 



* From what is here v/ritten it may be inferred how admirable a contrivance 
to the preservation of liberty and order in a state, is a written consti.ution, by 
whicii the exact sphere of the subdivisions of power is ascertained and defined. 
This is the grand preservative against civil broil ; for it substitutes discussion in 



68 

being the case, it afforded a fair field for men of 
great ambition allied with great abilities, to carve out 
roads to their own advancement; and this field was 
not suffered long to lie vacant, for in a short time we 
find that Pompey and Ciesar came upon the theatre 
of action — the last of whom, having got the better of 
Pompey at Pharsalia, so ably managed the people, by 
those popular arts which he of all others of his coun- 
trymen knew so well how to use, that he trampled 
upon their liberties, and causing himself to be pro- 
claimed Emperor of Rome, seized upon the whole 
power of the state. — And thus ended the Common- 
wealth, and with it the liberty of one of the freest 
and greatest people that ever the pen of history has 
recorded. 



place of the sword : and the people of our favoured countrj'^ must be worse mad- 
men tlian the mad-cap multitude of Greece that banished Aristidi'S the Just, and 
murdered Phocioii, to sutfer any amalgamation or confusion of these subdivis- 
ions. Every one who is capable of reflecting upon these things— (and I do not 
60 underrate the capacity of my counirymen as to believe that there are not ma- 
ny who are) must see, hov\- great is the obligation imposed upon him, to prevent 
any such muddying of the fountain of our liberty. Encroach upon the constitu- 
tion in this instance, and the next occasion that offers (and there always will be 
»>ccasions in plent}' since men in power are as capricious, ambitious and selfish, 
as men out of power) the same is done ; until these instances come to be digni ■ 
fled by the name of usage, and usage we all know grows up in time, to be autho- 
rity. This being the case, some petty tyrant, some Nero Borgia, inflated by 
the possession of power, and urged on by some desperate favourite, makes a 
Btill greater encroachment, whicli his wicked adherents ujihold on the ground of 
authority; until, progressing from one false step to another, we find that our 
Constitution is but a thing of tatters and rags ; and then comes, to sum up tiie 

whole, some bold, anjbitious, daring traitor, who like our own Southern 

(ih(! reader may name tlie man,) would put his foot upon all, — 

desert his ancient faith — disregard all pvincijiles — cut loose from friends, party 
and all honorable ties, and wadijig through the blood of his countrymen, stand 
revealed the man of a thousand crimes, to gratify lus reekless ambition. 



69 

These reflections I throw out, O Caesar of the Mo- 
derns, as preparatory to some that I have for some 
time past meditated upon the subject of the Disposi- 
tionofour surplus Revenue — a subject to which the at- 
tention of the country has been called by your Excel- 
lency yourself, in the repeated mention that you have 
made of it in your State papers. Now I am aware, O 
Caesar, that our Vice-Roy, — who is a man of 
great abilities, and who might have even filled in 
time the exalted station now occupied by your Ex- 
cellency, had it not been for certain causes which I 
shall not stop to speak of, — has thought proper to de- 
signate your scheme of dividing this surplus wealth 
among the several States, as every way ridiculous, 
miserable and absurd, for he calls it the most danger- 
ous^ unconstitutional and absurd measure ever conceived 
by any government',* yet notwithstanding this, I am 
not disposed to regard it in any other light than as an 
emanation worthy of the source from whence it 
sprang. This proposition, like others of your Excel- 
lency's, has indeed somewhat of " the wonderful and 
amazing'''' in its character, and might well strike the 
mind of this Vice-Roy, as he has described it ; yet we 
should not for this reason, think meanly or speak con- 
temptuously of it, tor if w^e but reflect a little we must 
remember that the emanations of greatness have ever 
been of this character. — Such was the offspring of J u- 



* See a certain late Expose of this Vice Roy. 



70 

piter's prolific brain, for hence sprang Minerva, a full 
armed Goikless ! Bonaparte conceived the design of 
swallowing up the world (monstrum horribile ! !) King- 
George the III., of conquering our fathers ! And why 
should not you, O Caisar, conceive the design of di- 
viding that fund, which will yearly remain in the Trea- 
sury after the disbursement of the national debt, be- 
tween the several states, and thus promote the great 
ends of Internal Improvement, the peace and quiet of 
the country, the ends of the constitution and the 
greatness of the Republic ! 

It is yet a fact, O Caisar, that I do not altogether ap- 
prove of this disposition that you have proposed ; and 
being a person of some invention, I have conceived of 
one to supply its place, that is in every respect most 
admirable. It is this : / ivould have you hiry it — bury 
it in some secret place in the bowels of the earth, 
where, forever concealed from the eyes of mankind, it 
will never become a subject of civil strife — a bone of 
brotherly contention. 

In looking into the ways of most nations we find 
that they have ahvays had some occasions or other of 
national ceremony, which are of a solemn and impos- 
ing character. Among the ancient nations of ihe world 
and particularly among the Romans, Vv^e find that they 
bad the triumphal processions of their great Generals,in 
which the captives that were taken in war, were bound 
to the triumphal car in chains, and thus marched 
up and down the streets by the conquering train, amid 
the shouts and plaudits of the multitude who were wit- 



71 

nesses of this spectacle. This was a frequent scene 
among the ancient nations of the world, and served, 
among other purposes, to infuse into the body of the 
people a great love of glory and of country. Among 
the modern nations of the earth, we find the same so- 
lemn spectacles. In England we are told of Review 
days, and we all know that once a year in that coun- 
try, there is a pageant got up to celebrate the birth- 
day of the King, in which the magnificence and splen- 
dour that is displayed beggars all description. 

And such a yearly ceremonial, O Caesar, is what we 
want more than any nation on earth, to create in our 
citizens that same love of country and of glory that 
characterised the Roman, and that is so conspicuous 
in the Englishman. And to this end wdll this burying 
of our surplus wealth serve. This then I w^ould have 
you do : At the end of every year assemble together 
the whole population of the country, at the seat of go- 
vernment, on a day set apart for the occasion. Then 
let a procession go forward from the Palace — at the 
head of which shall be a car in which this national 
treasure shall be placed, followed by your Excellen- 
cy in another car, with all the dignitaries of the gov- 
ernment following in the train — the chief officers — 
the scribes and the whole list of placamen and pen- 
sioners — the foreigners under authority — the members 
of the imperial household — favourites — courtiers — 
in one word, the whole assembled population, all in 
coaches, single horse chairs, wagons, on horseback 
and on foot, as in Slawkenbergius's tale — go forward, 
I say, from the Palace indue order and array, through 



72 

the principal avenue, to the Capitol. Arriving there 
it shall he the duty of the Chief Justice, aided by his 
brothers, — all sworn to eternal secresy, to take it 
within the Capitol, and, unseen by any but themselves, 
to bury it in some secret place, where it will be im- 
possible that it should ever be found or disturbed. And 
in order to insure it further aganist the attempts of 
thieves and such like, it shall be the duty of the Chief 
Justice and his brothers, sworn to eternal fidelity, to 
watch over it and guard it, as the Vestal Virgins of 
old did the sacred fire of the Temple of Vesta. 

Thus, O Caesar, would another laurel be added to 
your brow, as the author of this solemn anniversary; 
and thus the duration of the Republic preserved to all 
eternity, by the love of country that would by this 
means be implanted and nourished in the breasts of our 
people. 

Besides this, there is another advantage w^hich this 
plan has over all others. It would create within the 
body of the State a new order of people — an order of 
Gold-hunters, which I have heard many of our citizens 
say is much wanted among us. And here again would 
your name derive additional glory ; for I hold it to be 
a certain and enduring truth, that that Ruler who 
can carve out any new employment by which his sub- 
jects can be kept from idleness, which is the mother 
of all evil, confers a great good upon mankind — is a 
benefactor — and deserves to be remembered by pos- 
terity with such magistrates as Nerva, who has been 
handed down to us by all historians, by the glorious ti- 
tle oi the friend of mankind. 



THE CONCLUSION. 



''And now, my slender quill, said he, whether ciinninffly cut, or unskilfully 
Ibnned, it boots not much ; here from this raiik, suspended by a wire, slialt ihou 
enjoy repo:be." 



"Worthy reader — dearly beloved Roger ^ I feel that I 
am approaching the end of this treatise; and truly, I 
am by no means grieved that it is so : — " Better is the 
end of a thing than the beginning thereof." And now, 
as becomes one who has shaped his course safe through 
life, and pondered well upon its ways, having taken 
every thing into consideration, I thus counsel this bant- 
ling of my fancy, before I send him forth to seek hi;; 
fortune in the world. Be neither, O my oifspring, too 
liumhle nor too proud. Sullernot the taunts and jeers 
of tliose who bow down before tlie golden Calf, to dis- 
tress you ; for truly, if you mind these triiles, you will 
liave hut an unpleasant time of it. If your way is be- 
set by enemies, Avhose situation in life renders them 
worthy opponents, and they openly attack you, be 
ever ready to defend yourself; — and this you may ea- 
sily accomplish, for I know you are a child of Truth; 
and truth, though naked and unarmed, has ever been 
hard to pierce, — it is a safer protection than the helmet 
of Pluto, " which maketh the politick man go invisi- 
ble," — it is better than the hundred eyes of Argos, or 



74 

the hundred Ijands of Briareus. And if fools throw 
stones at you, as they will do, fear them not, for they 
are so lamely directed that they cannot hit. Open 
your arms to the poor and needy, who ^vould wish to 
seek knowledge from you. Openly denounce the vi- 
cious — the false— the traitor — tl^e pretending fool, as I 
am sure you will do. I would advise you to make inter- 
(>st with the Lawyers, for they arc a body of men of 
great use to the state : — they have been its props ; yet 
here you must use a just discrimination, for there are 
among them, many rascals, knaves, and fools — men wha 
have no just conceptions of Justice, (who is the divi- 
nity they profess to worship) but who yet hold her 
up to the world as the pearl of great price — since, as 
the witty Spaniard says, they make others pay for 
her a? a dear rate who are mere pretenders, but who 
yet pass themselves off upon the world, as pillars of 
lire, to guide the bewildered multitude around them. 
Kext to these have a regard for the Free-Masons and 
the Odd-Fellows, for verily I believe their ends are 
good though they work by night. Show a manly and 
a bold spirit, for without this, mankind will be sure to 
trample upon you. In this respect, I would hold up to 
you as worthy of study, a great man of our own coun- 
try. The man I mean cannot be mistaken. Ke com- 
menced his career in obscurity, without either friends 
or fortune, and pursued it with the energy of one who 
courts adversity. Every one would know him, when 
1 tell you, that for many years past, he has borne him- 
self with the greatest gallantry, manliness and spirit, 
throughout cne of the most iniquitous persecutions, that 



10 

any man was ever assailed with.* Go, now, and make 
the best of fortune. 

And now, O reader, u|!on lookini^ back upon what 
I have done tliis past montli, 1 find that there is one ihiui^ 
for wdiich I have to crave your forgiveness ; and that 
is, my having transgressed so far out of the usual way, 
as to send this Dedication into tlie world before the 
main treatise is written. But tliis I do, in order that I 
may prepare the way for the army that is to follow, — 
for every good General has a small and chosen body, 
called the Vanguard, which he sends before to report 
dangers, and ascertain how the land lies. The crab 
has his feelers,— so has the politician. — And hence a 
reason. 

Itnow^ remains for me to tell why I wTote this De- 
dication. The desire of accomplishing something use- 
ful — (in the love of Avliich I have grown pale) has 
been the moving spring of all my actions. Pondering 
one day upon the probability of accomplishing it, I 
turned over in my mind, the means I had wdthin my 
reach. Reflecting that I had w^aited for a long time, 
to no avail, for a declaration of war against some of 
our now friendly nations, by our great and valiant 
Ca^.sar, which would have afforded a fine field for the 
acting of something memorable, I conceived the idea 
of writing this "Dedication," as the only nieans of ac- 
complishing the great object of my life, in this day of 



*0f this man, our great Caesar of the Modeihs might well say, in the same 
spirit in which Cromwell said it, (and he such a man !) '-O! Sir Harry Vane, Sir 
Harry Vane! the Lord deliver me f.om Sir Harry Vanel" 



Ji 



76 



our national repose. My spirit took fire at the idea, 
and straiglit way I gave llie reins to my invention. I liad 
lioped one day to S})eak of battles, in which Cmsare 
(luce, I had niyreir shared the glory, aiid of conquered 
cities; but now, even if the opportuiiity were to pre- 
sent itself, my tastes have changed too nmch wilh the 
loss of my youth, to enjoy their toils and dangers. 
Reflection has become to me a second nature ; and 1 
rejoice that my invention has hit upon this Dedication, 
in which such a fair field Lias been aflordcd nie of re- 
flecting upon die wonders of our Ca^sai's reign, — of 
which what v. as susrj- of an ancient Cxsar, mav v»^ith 
great justice be said, 

Tun, Ca'sar, ixias 

F; ugt's et ag; is rciulit uberes, 



,-t oidincni 



fiectHin, et vaguiiti Jrana licentiffl 
Iiijecit, emoviUiiie culpas 
Et veteres recocavit artes. 

But it IS indeed high time that my slender quill 
should enjoy some repose. Tlie cor.ceit of Cid Ila- 
met of old, in suspending his faithful quill from a 
rack, was not a bad one, and smacked strongly of hvs 
exquisite relish. And wliy sliould not Cid llamet/ 
his namesake, now do the same with his, that has serv- 
ed him so faithfully throughout his various declensions 
and moods of temper — that has by turns waxed seri- 
ous and light, severe and merry — hot and cold, as the 
pulse indicated? Go then, my companion, and, if 
thou art not of a temper too restive, enjoy that repose 
which may be yours, until some new folly shall call 
thee forth a2:ain. 



